Much cookin’ these days, and my desire to blog continues to grow even if my time to blog doesn’t. We’re rehearsing The CONvergence show currently, and after a slow start, I think it’s going well. I didn’t really take control of things to begin with, and in hindsight, that was a mistake. Once I got organized and thought through each rehearsal, things improved. I think actors resent lack of leadership. My fault, no one elses. I play things loose sometimes in hope someone else will take the lead, relieve some of the pressure on me. The more we do these shows, the more obvious it becomes that no one will be coming alongside to help build the theater with me. I’ve been doing this for four years, and several people have offered. But I don’t know how to delegate things (mostly due to the fact that I’m making most of it up as I go) and no one else is willing to dive in and get messy. And even with clear instructions, I don’t always trust people, especially in I-Falls. Our culture here is very enabling, very indulgent. People can fail to follow-through on promises without any real repercussions. That makes it tough to rely on others. Besides, don't you think that after four years, someone would have stepped forward by now?
Mostly, it’s my own shortcomings that vex me. I have a fear of success, or at least it seems that way. A little good stuff comes my way, and I slip into a foul mood. This should be one of the best months of my life professionally, and all I can see are problems. Writing this clears my head, however. I think the show will come together well. As to the future of the theater, that’s to God, I guess. I don’t think I can do better than that.